Just give me answers

For the third post of the day I feel I need answers to important questions. I got my first few comments through on my blog, momentous I know, and being a well mannered if dark souled individual I responded. One was phrased as a question asking for a definition as to why women love their shoes so. A simple request, one where I could work out a small part of a womans psyche. Fair enough an answer was unforthcoming, cool, no worries, obviously a trade secret, fine. But it did lead me on to thinking about other things that really do need some kind of simple answers to simple questions.

So we'll start with the shoes thing

- Why do women love shoes - I'm a straight guy with 9 (yes nine) pairs of shoes. But I still can't work out what the fascination women have with these things. You have different shoes for different outfits, fine, got that bit. After that it gets weird. My friend has big feet, well for a girl, so she buys shoes that are too small for her and then bends her toes back under for feet to make them fit. How fuckin weird is that. I know its a bit extreme, but do you know a woman who hasn't got a pair of shoes that hurt her feet but got them anyway cos they were just so nice. Women please enlighten me.

- How come I know what a moron is but others fail to notice what's fuckin obvious - OK, before we start I do not hate America, want you to burn your flag, or piss on your mom's apple pie but your president is the dumbest scariest creature currently walking the face of the Earth. Now if you think I'm wrong, FUCK YOU - YOU'RE WRONG, I'M RIGHT, end of story. Don't like it, NEXT BLOG button is up there in the top right corner, hit it and fuck off. Seriously I have to change the channel if this guy comes on. This moron controls our fate and he's an imbecile, and the US voted for him twice. If I had my way it would be illegal for those people who want to be politicians to ever become politicians. These fuckers never got the attention they deserved as children or too much. I wonder if there is a genetic trait that could be screened for while they're still in the foetal stage. A positive result means a quick scrape and life immediately takes a turn for the better. Yes folks, I am a nihilist, I believe in nothing...... relax, relax - count to ten 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10. Sorry phased out there for a second, That is why I don't do politics - ever. So again why can't other people see morons for what they are?

- Why do people who dump you want to still be your friends? - Is it guilt or something. You made your choice now bugger off a leave me alone in my misery bitch (add expletive as appropriate). If you still want to hang around me why a) spoil our friendship by starting a relationship in the first place and b) if I'm such a bad guy why hang around to just be my friend now. My ex's are free to share their thoughts.

- What's so bad about porn anyway? - Distinct double standards on this one, vibrators are fine but porn is bad, who made that rule. Did I miss a meeting, I would have voted on that one. I have no problem saying I enjoy porn, some of it is awesome, who am I kidding, most of it is. Don't watch it with my friends, its just not a spectator sport. Watched it with women who seemed to enjoy it too, so who decided on porn bad, vibrators good. Please explain.

- What's so great about fishing anyway? - My brother is to blame for this one. He's actually my half brother and much older (12 years actually) than me. So when he visited my parents and wanted to go fishing I'd tag along just to hang out with him. I look back now though and see that I knew a thing or too, even at that age. Fishing is the dullest thing to do period. Nothing makes time go slower than sitting on a river bank watching something luminous float on water. Nothing. If you have a terminal disease learn to fish, you'll either be prepared for death or have way more time on your hands than the doctors gave you. So why do people do it?

- Why does everyone else have it better than me? - Ever wondered why it is, but it always seems to be true doesn't it. Job, car, partner, why are we all a little envious of our friends?

- Why is it when you lack something it's the time you have to rely on it the most? - Why is it that those days where I have to deal with stupid people (most of the time) that happens to be the day that I'm all out of patience (all the time). You find the album you've been looking for for ages but have no money to buy it. You meet the girl of your dreams while you recover from your broken heart, so instead of being the one, she turns into your rebound fling. If this is karma, then I'm properly screwed. Anyone else have any ideas? (If anyone mentions astrology, numerology of anything like that I will hunt you miserable idiots down, each and every one of you).

- Why is football known as football in the US? - Feet and ball do not come in to contact much, so why the name? Supplementary question - why is soccer called soccer (I think this might be a US thing too, football is the correct term, we use our feet and the ball at the same time). Anyone answering this could also enlighten me on why American teams when they win their respective national championship instantly become World Champs? The NBA means, I think, the National Basketball Association doesn't it, no I for Internatinal or W for World in there that I can see - wait is that what the WNBA stands for?

- Hidden tracks on albums? - Why? and please stop messing with my head.

- Reality TV? - Why? and why can't I stop watching it?

- Phones with cameras, MP3 player, video players and personal organisers? - Why not just a phone for gods sake.

- Ink refills now cost more than the printers you bought in the 1st place? - Why (and more importantly how the fuck did that happen)?

Apologies if this comes off as a misogynistic anti-American rant, who am I kidding, I don't care what you think, but I would like some answers to my questions though. If only to make me consider other suitably banal or vacuous topics when I can't sleep at night.

later